Everytime people ask my age, I always heard the same thing. “But, you don’t look like your age.” Yeah, I am so lucky to have a baby-face. But, aging has never been a problem to me. When you grow older, you can do lots of things to avoid life despair or stagnation. You can start evaluating yourself, learn from your past mistakes, be a good listener, avoid negative things toward you, and better yourself. I was looking back my life. There are so many things I wished I could have done differently, but I am not regret of some poor decisions I made. I wished I could be stable in a career. I changed so many jobs in my life even though I liked some so much. In past, I worked as a nurse, office assistant, insurance agent, library assistant, teacher, painter, waitress, bartender, cashier, translator, etc.The exchange of careers helped me to understand there are things I can’t really do. I can’t sing, I can’t become a professional writer, I can’t work with science, I can’t be an athlete, and I can’t do so many things. But, there are so many things I can do like drawing, cooking, selling, teaching, creating, translating and dealing with customer services. I can select products to become popular before they start getting popular. Some Japanese Industries may understand what I am talking about. I can create and draw ideas. Sometimes, I can be productive. The worst part of my attitude is getting bored so quickly. I always considered doing the same thing for years will stuck me in a box, and never give me new oppurtunities. The life is too short and I always want to learn something new. This affected me a lot in relationships, friendships and social skills. But, I am starting to change. I learned that I can be pleased by simple things. However, I do not ignore that I can change my decisions anytime.
Yesterday, my friend Pat called me to watch a band playing at a bar. The band is a group of unfamous musicians that I have never heard or met. I don’t know if I can call as a bad lucky. But, when I arrived at the party,the band just stopped playing. I was like “what?” Normally, bands play more than 3 hours during the night. But, this band just played for 40 min, and they are done? WTF??? My friend told me the speaker and the microphone were not working well. Uh-oh, that tells me everything. There was another Pat’s friend. Her name was Amanda. The guy who plays bass was Amanda’ex-bf. So, she wanted us to support his band. It was not overwhelmed because the bar was not full. So, we went to another bar later. Amanda has nothing in common like my friend Pat. Amanda was annoying and a wannabe popular girl. We were discussing about our lives in USA. We remind the College days. Amanda studied in an Elite College while I just went to a Community College. She told me she joined to Sorority rows, socialized and party a lot. She assumed she had much more fun than I did. Well, I just told her “I believe she did, and I am the least person to make any comparison. Because I am a social zero, and if she knows a second social zero person in this world. Let me know, because I want to be his or her best friend.” Then, She staid quiet for a while. She was supporting an ex-jerk bf who doesn’t give any shit to her. He dances and plays with other bitches even though she does everything to win him back. Then, she would let the other guys from the band to touch her body to see if her ex would be jealous. I confess I felt sorry about her. A lady in her 30’s should be more mature, and understand when a relationship is over. It is over. So, I spent most part of my time sitting and talking to Pat. I went to pick a glass of Ginger Ale at the bar. I was wearing one of my favorite outfit, a black shirt with skulls. This shirt is not like an emo type shirt. It was more feminine with laces, super cool. A long nose dude saw me and said ” I like your shirt”. I said “thank you”. He said he used to wear the same shirt during Halloween, and it was still early to wear Halloween outfits. He said I should show more my body because I looked like a zombie with that shirt. Oh really? So, being only stylish without showing body parts is not a part of code dress in a casual slut bar? I just told him that it is my wish for any asshole like him to think I am the Grudge! Sweet Nightmare douche!
Tainan is the city that I am living now. It steals my money, but it also pays me back. During the day, the sound of constructions disturbs me since 7am in the morning. Hell, why do they need to build more buildings? It is a tight place, it doesn’t fit anyone anymore. The traffic and agressive drivers try to kill you. In the end of day, you are glad you are still alive and safe. Oh Tainan, my love, you despise my heart, you spit on my face with betel nuts’ juice, but you never tell me to leave.You give me guts to survive despite all the shit that happens daily. I love your beach Tainan. If you drawn someday, please take my body with you. Don’t bury my body in your ground. Because I don’t want to be a tree in the next life. I want to be a mortal mermaid. I want to be prettier than any gogo dancers. So, you will never leave me Tainan.
Yeah, I got guts. I just paid 1 week stay for a hostel in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know what it is going to happen with my job. I didn’t tell the manager that I would take a short vacation. Because she probably wouldn’t let me go right now. But, I need it. How many people don’t wish to do the same as I did sometimes? I don’t hate my job. I just hate the time consuming, and I need to write. I don’t make any fucking penny with my writings. I can’t understand why there are still people complaining how my writings are disgusting, rubbish or boring. By the way, I decided to run away from the city to see if my brain will work in a calm place. But, I was totally wrong. I feel like a shit in this farming area. I hate the smelling of cows, chicken and pigs. The hostel is not exactly a hostel. It is someone’s house who rents rooms. This is my second day, and I want to leave. Obviously, the house landlord is not going to return the rest of my money. So, what should I do? I said I had guts at the beggining to take a vacation without telling my boss. But now, I am very covard to return at work, and explain why I was gone for few days. What should I say? Maybe “I was sick”. They will ask for my medical bill. “I had an accident?” No, karma will come if I lie in this way. Should I just take a risk and tell them the true? “I left the work for few days because I wanted some vacation. But, I am a motherfucker for not telling you all because I was wondering wether you guys will agree or not.” All they will do is firing me, or just telling me how I am an irresponsive and unprofessional idiot. It is really not a big deal nearly to my stupid decisions.
It is almost 1am in the morning, and I am here being disturbed by the sound of geckos. For the first time in my life, I want to be a serial killer. I can see three geckos running, and making the fucking bird noises. It is easy for me to use a flip flop. But, I wanna see them dying slowly. I want to see them suffering. Because I feel they are using some sarcasm for my failed attempt to become a writer. I have some tapes here. I would tape them, cut their tails with a scissor, and see how they would react. Then, I would remove the tape, peal off their skins, and settle them on fire. Oh Lord, what is wrong with me? I don’t have anyone to blame. Now, I am gonna blame the poor geckos. Guess what? Damn those geckos! I just opened the window, picked the three of them and thrown them away. At least, I didn’t kill them. But, I am a little bit regret. I should have thrown them in the toilet and flushed them away. Finally, I can concentrate myself and write nothing.
It is not easy to be a writer. First, you need to learn if this is what you really want to do. If yes, keep writing and the rest is bullshit. When you attend a college, you always need to complete at least 6 credits of English Classes to graduate. I passed those classes with “B” even though I have never really read all the short stories they made me to read. Sometimes, I would just write my research papers pretending I read those stories. I would just use few sentences from the text, and give a definition based on my own opinions. Yeah, I know I sucked as a student. But, how about the professors? They made me to read “Hills like White Elephants”, and “The Country of the Blind”. Well, I read them. But, I couldn’t handle “William Shakespeare”. I am not criticizing the authors. Nowadays, I would read these stories with pleasure. I would reread them to stop my misjudgement. However, I don’t consider a freshman reading these stories or books. A prodigy teenager or old soul wannabe would enjoy these readings. But, not a recent High School graduate who still listens Britney Spears’ songs. That person was me. You might say how I was very immature. But, how old was I? 18 or 19? How many kids do you really consider very mature at this age? Well, I left my parents house to live in the campus. I had a part-time job in the library while other students were joining fraternities, partying every night and smoking weed. I would spend my time writing and drawing.
I never had any dreams to publish a book. My mother did. She was a freelance writer in a local Asian newspaper. Her writings were so popular that she become a columnist. I played some parts in her job. I was her translator because we used to live in South America, not in Taiwan. I was 20 years old at the time I walked with her to interview the city’s mayor. My mom was one of the independent writers who received more compliments than criticisms. Of course, she caused lots of local envies. On the other hand, she always had an overprotective daughter to defend her. Lately, I become the Asian Community’s bad girl. If my mother was disrespected, I would curse on those old people. I am not going in details how my life was after these events. All I know, I had to move away from the country. I chose USA to live because my dad lives there. My life in USA was easy, I didn’t know anybody. Although English Language was not my second language, attending college was easy for me. I just failed in Chemistry because I always sucked in this subject. I had the idea of writings because I needed to communicate with myself. I would visit people’s blog and see what was going on. So, I decided to write my first livejournal in 2005. But, I was afraid how people will think about me. This made me to give up so many times. Today, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care who is reading this, or what they think about me. I am just who I am. I am not perfect, and I don’t wanna be.
One of my best friends is 20 years older than I. He is a male, and he is married. Yep, we are JUST friends. We share the same interests, and we trade gifts. His wife totally knows and understands about our friendship. Our friendship is something genuine and sincere. I always told him things that I normally don’t share with others. Even though the most shameful things that happened to me, he knows. He and his wife are going to travel to California. I am so happy for them. I hope they make a wonderful trip because they deserve. They are wonderful people, so they deserve the best. Yesterday, I was speaking to him that I could be a little bit jealous in a positive way. The world is having fun while I am here with my chronic depression.
Once, I met a guy at the bar. He was the only guy I wanted to date since my moving to Taiwan. This guy just returned to Canada. When people are back to the place they come from, they always reconnect with anyone they don’t speak for a long time. They reconnect with friends, family and even ex-gfs. He is back with his ex-gf, so happy and taking sweet pictures.Perhaps I am jealous, but I wished things happened differently between us. I do not expect a relationship that lasts long. But, I am tired of guys using me. I don’t hang out with anyone. He was the only guy I wanted to be with since my moving to Taiwan. Because I knew he was different. He plays a good role model of someone who went to Africa to volunteer, and teach kids with HIV. He seems a good person, but he didn’t seem so nice while we were together. He was violent. He would force me to do things I didn’t want, and I had to confront him to make him to stop. I am here depressed because he acts like a normal person. This makes me to blame myself, and I believe it was NOT my fault. I know it wasn’t. For some people, maybe a girl should never go to bars alone. If I start thinking this way, this means I am so weak to give up of breaking stereotypes.
I am a free and independent woman. I have a nice and decent full time job. I make my own living. So,I deserve to do what other people do. I deserve to be respected, and not violated. I am not always proud of myself because I act stupid sometimes. But, I know this world is full of hypocrites. I am not gonna say I have never acted this way. But, I have never taken advantage of someone. It could emotionally, financially, mentally or physically. I have been always honest with people. My life is full of chaos and emotional dramas. But, I will die with dignity.