I wrote a post about love few days ago. Honestly, I had no intention to turn it so negative. Just because I am single now, it doesn’t mean other people can not be happy or fall in love with someone. Even though I was not single before, I have never seen love as the only thing in this world. Nobody is perfect, neither I am. I was reading this post on yahoo http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/im-overweight-boyfriends-not-big-freaking-deal-134800157.html
It was about an “obese” girl (she is not just overweight as yahoo states) who is dating a guy with a standard body. What is a standard body today? For women, an anorectic and athletic body with a pair of huge boobies. Perhaps, fake boobies with liters of silicon because nobody can have natural huge boobies being underweight. It is totally disproportional. For guys, a muscled and athletic body (yuck, not my type at all).
I have seen many people making mean comments about the couple like “Is the guy blind?” “Is he with her just because of green card?”, “how do they have sex?” Seriously, people waste too much of their lives to talk about others. There is nothing more miserable than not living your own life, but trying to live someone’s life. Well, I am not an obese girl trying to defend another obese one. I am 1.59m of height, and I probably weight 67kg. I am not skinny at all, specially in Taiwan where people consider me as an obese while in USA people would call me “average”. Of course, loosing some weight would be awesome. But, I am 31 years old now. I have seen many girls around 20′s bigger than me (here in Taiwan). The problem is not about an ideal body. But, the society standards brainwash people. Who dares to prove those standards are real beauty? Who said they are the right ones? People start liking things without desire and passion. Honestly, I don’t feel attraction for muscled guys. I remmember once at gym…Jeezzz, a douche muscled blonde guys with a hair band was chasing me. I believe that jerk thought I could be an easy target. Because I am not too “hot” by standards. That guy was so annoying. He started questioning me, as he has rights to interfere my personal life. But, I replied him with silence. Then, he started talking about shit of his life, the college he went, his business and blablabla. Sometimes, he would act like a male dominant by forcing me to listen him like “Hey, are you listening me?Are you deaf?” I was just nervous and sweating of anger. I couldn’t hesitate. I walked away and left him talking alone. Now, I have trauma of blonde muscled guys wearing a hairband.
I remmember once I dated a popular guy in College. I wasn’t interested at him first. He was the one who called me to ask me out. He attempted for 1 year. Then, I finally agreed because I thought we could have a good sex together. However, we ended up in an on-off relationship for 2 years. I was suprised how people are nuts most of times. This guy wanted to be with me. But, he was ashamed to let others to know he was dating me. Perhaps, I should understand his point because his past ex-gfs were popular girls like models, cheerleaders, rich spoiled brats.. Oh come on… This guy was completely lost. Our relationship was storming, but not boring all. I tried to break up with him many times. But, he couldn’t accept the fact a girl like me to dump him. He would prefer to dump me first, and I wouldn’t care if he does. But, he never did. He would do it for a month, and get back to me when he was tired of his boring popular life. The result was even worst the day I decided to leave him with confidence. He raped me.
I will never stand people. Hopefully, someday someone will save me.
I just wrote the previous post about the janitor girl. Seriously, I thought I was the one who was grumpy and anti-social. But, I realized I am the one who avoid conflicts. If I ignore you, if I don’t respond you, or if I just don’t like you, then it is not illegal at all. I believe there are many people who dislike me in this world. See if I care? Now, why do you make drama when you there is no drama at all? The janitor girl was too sensitive today. We use magnetic key at our apartments. You just scan, and the door opens. It is super cool, but sometimes it is defective. Today, I had problem with the key. So, the janitor girl just pressed the buttom to open the entrance door. But, I decided to not speak to her about the key. I decided to wait for another janitor to come. So, I could tell him the problem. Moreover, this dramatic and tempered girl started calling my name while I was preparing to enter the elevator. She called me twice, but I didn’t look back. Ya, I know it was rude. But, I have right to choose whoever I wanna speak to. Just like when you are in the restaurant. If you don’t like a server, then you just call another one to serve you. I used to work as a waitress. How many times this happened to me? Could I complain? Of course not, the customers have rights to choose. If you don’t like me, fine! I am not gonna stay all night awake because of you.
After an hour, I went down and saw the other janitor. So, I told him the problem about my key. Guess what? This janitor told me that the janitor girl went to her room because she was crying. Basically, I made her cry just because I ignored her. Why wouldn’t she ask herself why I acted like that? I bet this would never happen if she was not questioning me a lot about my personal stuffs. Plus, she was upset because I didn’t tell her where I found my job and the products I am selling. Is it wrong to avoid to be a private person? Is it wrong to stay away of confrontations? Now, she is the victim, and I am a snob. I can’t imagine how this incidence torture that brat all day. I wish I could have said “who cares?” But, I was still “cordial”, and I just apologized for the inconvenience. But, I was very clear that I wish the things to be the way they are. There is no reason for us to socialize here. He agreed and I left.
I used make less than 20,000 NT working at a 5 stars Hotel. It pisses me off because I have never made this miserable amount. Well, I used to live USA. Of course, I can not compare USA Dollar and Taiwanese currency. But, the problem is not every job here is recognized. Waitressing jobs are not respected in Taiwan at all, we are not allowed to receive tips. If you get any tips even the customers insist giving to you, then you will be called to office next morning. So, I decided to quit that job.
Currently, I am an entrepreneur, and I work with international e-commerce. I do not reveal my products because they are limited. Of course, everything is legal. My products are just rare, so the supply of demand increases. I got my Business degree at 2 years Community College. The classes were awful. If I have learnt something, I definitely did not learn in College. About 90% of my learnings are done by research, life experience, and taking risks. I worked many years with e-commerce for fun. I didn’t know I would turn a hobby to a job. I remmember my college professors, co-workers, acquaintances were all curious about the products I sell. But, I never tell them. I am not stupid. I don’t mind to share how to create a website or how to advertise your products. But, do not try to get any information about my limited products. I do not sell for entire population. There is no need. Only preferred customers make orders from me every month. I make enough to pay my rent and bills.
The funny thing about curiosity, sometimes, people get offended when you don’t offend them. They want to get information from you, or try to steal your ideas. But, you don’t reveal them. So, they get mad. A janitor girl who works in my building is fucking annoying. She saw me going to my previous job, and taking packages to post offices. She insists to know where I work or what I sell. I told her many times that I am a private person. There are three things that I always tell people “Don’t believe in everything you listen, don’t tell everything you know, and don’t spend everything you have” Because you may hear things that are not true, say too much and spend on things you don’t have. Is this helpful? Plus, I don’t see any obligation to tell that girl everything. I am not looking for any friendship in this building. I have never been sociable with neighbors. Keeping some distance from those who live close to you, gives you wise. Of course, you can share mutual little favors. But, it is different than getting too close. Additionally, I do not owe anyone, only my bills. The janitor girl was so uspet when I told her “You already asked me 3 times. Again, I do not want to tell you. Could you please stop questioning me again?” If you guys see her ugly smashed pudding face expression, you wouldn’t eat the rest of the day. Some people are just annoying, stubboning.
For decades, I have been running away from “love” Love is scarcy, self-destructive and delusional. I blame poets and Disneyworld who fooled us with a beautiful image of love. Shakespeare is not romantic at all as many stupid people believe. Have you read Hamlet, Ophelia and Romeo and Juliet? They don’t have a happy ending. Why do Disneyworld’s stories always stop in marriage as a happy ending? Fairytales have nothing to do with Disney stories. The real Little Mermaid died without sharing one day of love with the prince. Today, bad girls get the guy they want. Some rich girls buy love. The good and sweet girls are the ones who suffer more. I confess I have never been too sweet with all my exs. However, I have never been a cheater, I have never stolen someone’s boyfriend and never got involved with a married man. But, there was a guy who left the girl who stole him from me. The spoiled brat girl was totally fucked up because the guy wanted to get back with me. Well, you may feel bad when someone steals your boyfriend. But, believe or not, the girl who tried to steal your bf gets double pissed. When she learns the guy left her to be with you again. Karma! Then, you fool this jerk and dumb him the next day as a revenge. Double Karma!
Let me go ahead and tell the point of this post. I have been avoiding human contact for 6 months. Nothing and nobody fascinate me anymore. For the first time in my life, I felt loneliness is my enrichment. Here, you can find 7 eleven convenient stores everywhere. I enjoy grabbing my snacks and stay there all day. They have air conditioning which is something I need to survive in this hot summer. I don’t have air conditioning at my apartment. Something caught my eyes at 7 eleven for 3 months. It was a skiny guy wearing cyclist’s outfits and a helmet. That guy reminds me the serial killer Ted Bundy. I am not suprised at all. Previously, I have been in a relationship with a guy who looks like Jeffrey Dahmer and another one who was schizophrenic. But, neither of those guys could handle me either. Yep, they left me. I loved the color of the new Ted Bundy’s outfit. It was purple, my favorite color. Since this day, I saw him for another couple of times, always at 7 eleven. There was one time he smiled to me. I didn’t react. Not sure if I was shy or just don’t know how to react as a human anymore.
Today, I was there. Suddenly, someone shows up. It was him. He grabbed a sandwich and a coke. Then, he sits next to me. My pupiles were dilating so fast. Ya, I was shy. But, why? It doesn’t make any sense. The guy was just having his lunch like anyone. There were other times, I would rush and go home. But, I’ve decided to stay today. I just ordered a frozen food cooked in microwave and an ice tea. I finished the food, but I decided to sit and wait. I didn’t want him to know where I live. I live at the same building as the 7 eleven store. That guy finished the sandwich, and grabbed some salad sold in boxes. He finished his salad and grabbed another box of chopped fruits. He devored the meals like a wild animal catching a prey. I was like “Wow, this guy has passion”. We both stayed there for almost 2 hours. He was the first one who left slowly. I saw him walking through the door. I was sure he would look back, so he did. I looked at him, and he stopped. Jeez, my pants were wet. Quickly, I ran to restroom. I was right, it was period. Luckily, I had a pad in my bag. I finished the stuff and washed my face full of sweat. I didn’t want to leave the restroom. Then, I waited for few minutes more, and decided to leave the store. When I come back, the guy was not there anymore. I wasn’t really scared of Ted Bundy, but I was scared of myself.
Since I moved here, I have trouble with Chinese reading. I can speak or communicate clearly, but I can’t read. Ya, I am taking courses. But, it is too hard for me. If I read a book, I would read in English or Portuguese. I can’t find any appopriate bookstore in this city that sells foreign books. I can’t shop at Amazon or ebay because I don’t have a credit card. Let me tell you what the banks require you to have a credit card here. You need to have a registered job and earn at least 8,000 USD monthly. They have these policies, don’t ask me why because I am not a banker. In US or some countries, any poor or bad credit person can have a credit card. I want to read some books from Burrough or Sartre. If anyone read this post, would you offer books for trade? I can send you something from this country. I accept used and damaged books. But, I really need to read something. Don’t let ignorance to kill me. You can save a life now!
Do you make plans for your dreams? I believe everyone does. Dreaming is great, everybody deserves to dream. Even when you don’t get what you want, at least you attempted to get it. Rolling Stones state “You can’t always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you might get what you need”. So true! My dreams are never planned. I don’t plan what I am gonna do next 10 years, because I am not sure if any change would give me another direction. I dream what I can do now. If I want to have fun, then I will have it. If want a cold drink , then I will get it.
But, you would say “Your dreams are too small” What is big exactly? A house, a car, a marriage? If you see around, you will see many married people with a house and a car. So what? The dreams are over? Nope. What would be their next big dream? Kids, making more money, travelling and grandkids. I am not gonna say these dreams are not big deals. If you you value all these things, then good for you.
How about I decide to do all these things, but not exaclty in sequence? Not exaclty the way you told me. Otherwise, it is not going to be my dream, but yours. Today, I had a strong argument with a friend. I love my friend, she is my buddy for over 5 years. We have arguments sometimes because she can’t stand me even she knows I am happier than her.She might think she is happier than me. I hope she is. But, she believes I could be happier if I do things exactly like she did. Why would I repeat the same mistakes like her? Why should I live someone’s life while I can have mine? Noway.
My dear friend, you need to accept the way I am. You can be critical. Feel free to do it. For me, a critical person is just someone with an opinion. This does not guarantee how I am gonna benefit from it.
The weather is too hot here. I would rather stay at home than going anywhere because the Sun is my enemy now. Two days ago, I was preparing myself to drink a bottle of water. I have been drinking gallons of water in this Summer Hell. Instantly, I could see the water in the bottle bouncing like ocean waves. My head was bouncing as well as the water in the bottle. Was I drunk or pregnant? No, it was an earthquake in Taiwan. I heard the windows shaking, the floor was making me to dance. Did I run out or yell for help? No, I staid in my room. Life would be so generous to be taken quickly by a natural disaster than being a suicidal. I do not attempt to kill myself by using any weapon, taking pills, doing drugs, etc. But, just the fact I insist to survive with guts, I consider myself as a slow suicidal. I staid in my room, but the Earthquake just occured for 2 or 3 minutes. It was just a warning.
If anyone could remmember the Hurricane Katrina in 2005, I was nearly to death not because I was at home. But, I was trying to escape from the Hurricane with my car and my belongings. I didn’t make this decision. My friend told me to do it. I confess I have never been regret of any stupid mistakes I have done in my life. But, I am definitely regret to listen anyone. People’s opinions are merely superfluous. They might be right sometimes, but they forget how right things could turn wrong sometimes.
By the way, my plantar feet hurt like something stabbing them. I went to see a physician. He told me it was the result of working 10-12 hours shifts for 5 or 6 days a week. This is what I have done during these 2 years without any vacation. I was doing it with pleasure. Of course, the paycheck would cover my bills. But, I would have some small luxury lifestyle by having my daily breakfast at Hong Kong Cafe. My daily breakfast meal was toast, lunch meat, scrambled eggs, macarroni soup and my favorite cold milk tea. That store was the only place I would drink milk tea. Cold milk tea first, then a hot macarroni soup. Sometimes, the soup would just stay on side while I am writing. Actually, I would save them for lunchtime. Yep, I would stay at least 3 hours writing while the waitresses look angry at me, but they would never kick me out. That place is located in Houston. That place was my rehabilitation. I was so poor to refuse paying monthly Internet Connection. So, I would take chance to use their free wi-fi to write my posts in my previous blog. The ladies would serve and leave me alone. This is the best part because people bother me a lot.
The long hours working resulted in infections in my plantar feet. Doctor recommended me to try infusion. I heard people telling me how it hurts. Again, I don’t want to listen anyone. But, I just want a cure for this stupid pain that bothers me for a year.I thought the pain was just like a regular shot. Those you get for meningitis, flu, etc. However, I experienced something caving my plantar. It is 3 times more painful than losing your virginity. I had to cover my mouth to not scream. At least, they were fast about 1 minute each infusion. I bet neither Superman would handle the plantar infusion. I am relaxing now. What the hell I keep this post too long?
I had multiple themed blogs in past. I always use the same account, sometimes I would change the background or discussion. It is funny everytime I share pictures of food, trips, fashion, etc. The numbers of readers have tendency to raise. But, do they really read? Do they really feel the intensity in my words? I bet they are just curious to see pictures of a wonderful life. At least, this is what they consider wonderful like “food, trip, and fashion”. Damn it! If you want foods, trips or outfits, then just visit some restaurants, buy flight tickets,and shop anywhere. Blog is dedicated for those who write and read. It is not a magazine. I decided to say farewell. But, it doesn’t mean I will stop writing. I said farewell to boredom. I said farewell to those who come here everyday to post “Sweet Picture”, “delicious”, etc. I appreciate some who enjoyed some of my Artworks, even the pictures I have taken. On the other hand, I don’t expect the numbers of people to read my blog. I just expect to find someone cool as the “ashes”. The ashes are referred to my favorite authors “Charles Bukowski” and “John Fante”. I know it is too delusional to believe in unification of the best writers. It is just a fairy tale. I do not write because I want. But, my brain sucks, my stomach’s cramps slowly kill me. I control my hands when I type. Otherwise, I am gonna pull off my hair. Insanity is my deadly sin. I need this or nothing.